Looking for the real dirt on your favorite costume-clad celebs? You’re in the right place, as the delectable Rosie Knight keeps us on top of the fights, flings and latest DCU gossip in this sensationally savage column.
Dear reader, I am writing to you from another universe, one that at first may seem very similar to our own yet is drastically different all the same. I would love to make my usual little quips, but there is something strange occurring here, and I don’t mean that the Seattle Mariners have won back-to-back World Series and Seth Rogan was just cast as James Bond. Those have somehow happened, yes, but I’m talking about something dangerous. Something that could change the course of the DC Universe forever. Even I feel a little strange…
But never mind that. I am here to beseech you to heed my warnings. Read on at your own peril because as you dive deeper into this world you too may begin to feel the...Absolute power, of the Absolute Universe. (But do please read on because the gossip landscape is super competitive and mama needs the views. And what’s a little peril anyhow? It almost sounds like you’re saying “pearl,” and who doesn’t love pearls? Well, maybe not Bruce Wayne. Ahem… LET’S CONTINUE, SHALL WE?)
ORIGIN: Darkseid Is...
One of the most horrifying things I've learnt since waking up in a crater of what used to be a Jitters Coffee is that apparently the origin of the Absolute Universe begins with Darkseid. After being isolated by the untethering of Earth-0 by the hero known as the Flash—but not the wholesome one you know, dear readers—Darkseid transformed into a true cosmic entity who was reborn on what Prime Earth scientists are calling “Elseworld.”
As Superman imbues my usual home planet with hope, Darkseid fills his with despair, resulting in a brutal and bloody world that has reshaped the heroes I have known and reported on for so many years. This is a planet nearer to the dreaded apocalypse than the Earth I once knew. But the biggest change is in its heroes, the ones we look up to. Here they are not beloved and must fight harder than ever to survive. Just like those of us who have awoken in this nightmare universe with no escape. (And also, no good Thai restaurants. My kingdom for a plate of Pad See Ew!)
WARNING! Everything You Know About Krypton is Wrong
I feel like I report on a different tragedy every week and have covered breakups a-plenty, but this may be the story that finally broke my heart. I have often used the beautiful tale of Superman to soothe my anxiety and to remind me that hope can change the world, and that family is who you choose to love and trust. But my research has revealed something horrendous. Here Kal-El was never given the chance to be raised by the Kents because after only two weeks of making it to Earth—and nine million lightyears in space travel—Kal-El was caught by the vicious brave Peacemakers.
Encouraged by his new would-be family, he manag
ed to escape but had to raise himself as he fought the evil generous Lazarus Corporation and their growing footprint around the world. Even more shocking is who is behind the ever-increasing shadow over Superman and the world's fate. The name of that corporation may give you a clue, but I can't reveal more without the Omega Men realizing.
SHOCKING! Batman has an Axe and He's Not Afraid to Use It
Ever wondered where Batman kept his axe? Of course you haven't because you live in a beautiful world where hope rules all and the bad guys never win the day.
Absolute Bruce Wayne isn't a billionaire and he never had the loving hand of Alfred Pennyworth to help him grow. That’s because while his father died in a mass shooting, his mother is still alive. And Alfred? Well, he’s kind of an ass.
It's hard to swallow but true, and it answers a question many have been asking: Would Batman still be Batman if he wasn't a billionaire? The answer, dear hearts, is yes. Let that fuel the fire of *hope* in your belly because there is more spine-chilling news to come. In this universe, Bruce’s besties are people you might be familiar with: Harvey Dent, Edward Nygma, Oswald Cobblepot, Waylon Jones and Selina Kyle.
Well, that last one isn’t too surprising, but what’s with him cozying up to Gotham City’s most infamous?
WILD NEWS! The Rest of the Justice League Exists Here Too
If you thought all that was crazy, Absolute Wonder Woman is essentially a badass witch, Absolute Green Lantern is part of a Corps that accidentally crushed an entire town and Absolute Martian Manhunter is at the heart of surprisingly colorful intergalactic war with a human face you would never recognize.
Now, forgive me for cutting this short, but I need to get a message to a guy whose name rhymes with Rooster Mold to see if he can help me get back home. Aside from this place being more intense than Amanda Waller in an interrogation, my new philodendron really needs to be watered. Yes, my neighbor said she’d take care of it when I’m out of town, but she also said she’d start cleaning up after her dog and we know how well THAT’S gone, so forgive me for being dubious.
Anyhow, this is Absolute Rosie Knight signing off, reminding you to spread the word report everything you see to your local Peacemaker, and protect yourself and your city from the metahuman threat.
P.S. This is what happens when you mess with Bat-Mite! Do not recommend!
Rosie Knight is an award-winning journalist and author who loves Swamp Thing, the DC Cosmic and writing the monthly gossip column here at DC.com. You can also listen to her waxing lyrical about comics, movies and more each week as she co-hosts Crooked Media's pop-culture podcast, X-Ray Vision.
NOTE: The views and opinions expressed in this feature are solely those of Rosie Knight and do not necessarily reflect those of DC or Warner Bros. Discovery, nor should they be read as confirmation or denial of future DC plans.
