Looking for the real dirt on your favorite costume-clad celebs? You’re in the right place, as the always informed Splash Pannell keeps us on top of the fights, flings and latest DCU gossip in this sensationally savage column.
 

Rise and read, my darlings! This is Splash Pannell, your gossipmonger gourmand to all the heroic happenings here on our Prime Earth. Superman gets a split spit curl? Wonder Woman loses her invisible plane? Robin lays an egg? Unless you’ve got the Flash’s new future-sight powers, you’ll be hearing it all from yours truly first. We’ve got a whole lot to cover and far too few column inches to cover it in, so let’s crack into it. (Sorry, Robin.)
 

SEA KING NEW MANAGEMENT

Okay, first of all, let me get right into it: and let no one say that Zoe Tunnell isn’t big enough to admit when I’m wrong. We’ve been raising a fit over here at the Dish about a certain aquatic man getting a little too big for his scales, going by “Emperor Aquaman” with his “Justice League Blue” and expanding his domain all manifest desti-sea across not just the Earth, but every world that’s got a part on it you can drink. Well, we weren’t the only ones. The big papa Poseidon, god of the seas himself, was reported showing up at Aquaman’s door warning him to slow his roll.

You know what our Aquaman did? He just rolled right on over Poseidon, decking him all the way to another planet on his interstellar aqueduct. So, maybe Aquaman really is all that? Which kind of makes us wonder just what else is he capable of? And what exactly is he planning to do with all that power? (Monitor the beaches with Emperor Aquaman #20.)
 

SPECTRE? I HARDLY KNOW HER!

And speaking of cosmic clashes, it looks like the Spectre’s wrath over New York City finally cleared up this week. After months of wriggling his way through the city like the world’s angriest Bachelor trying to find a body to give his last rose, the divine embodiment of heaven’s wrath finally has a new human host.

Who’s the lucky guy? We’ve got the exclusive, so all you powerscalers take note: with the dust settled, the powerhouse of the JSA will be sharing bodies with none other than one of the team’s original heroes, the up-until-quite-recently deceased Ted Grant, Wildcat. A former heavyweight boxer who got into superheroics after gaining the power of…cat costume ownership…this surely has to represent the biggest power upgrade any hero has ever gotten.

So long to the era of divine ironic punishments for the wicked! Evildoers should now be expected to beware the wrath of God’s haymaker punch. (Witness the changing of the guard yourself in JSA #22.)
 

I’D KNEEL, BUT THE CREASE IN MY PANTS…

As far as the weather goes, we know the beaches are looking pretty tempting (especially in the Hawk-Girl Summer Special). But as much as we hate to be a summer bummer, it’d be irresponsible not to warn you that all of that Kryptonite the recently space rock-rich nation of El Caldero has been exporting around the world as a cheap available energy source turns out to be toxic to humans after all. So, if you happen to live by any Steelworks processing plants, it’s probably best to stay inside until the Super-Family sorts this all out. The President of El Caldero remains unavailable for comment, having been usurped from his throne by a furious General Zod. (Why all this Kryptonite’s not hurting him is beyond us. You may pick up the clues if you follow the story through Supergirl, Action Comics, Superman and Superman Unlimited for the crossover “Kingdom of Zod.”)
 

REFRAGGED AND REBOOTED

But hey, as long as you’re staying indoors, you might as well catch the new summer programming, right? Gorehounds will be happy to hear that Omni Omega+ Entertainment Corp. has revisited their hastily pulled Lobo program, on account of its lead not being very cooperative…by making that feature the main attraction. This time around, Lobo is the bounty. Across the universe for a quite reasonable subscription fee (mainly, buying a copy of Lobo #5), you too can watch the world’s most desperate and unhinged bounty hunters come fragging for the Main Man.
 

DAKOTA BOY MAKES GOOD

Lastly, we’ve been reporting a whole lot on shakeups in the Titans lineup, but we’ve got one more ringer for you this month. While the New Titans exorcised the duly elected Mayor Nebiros of Happy Harbor to the sixth circle of Hell, Superman—as in the younger one with the blessedly tight suit—went recruiting Static. You know, the Dakota City icon (not to be confused with Icon from Dakota City, that’s a different guy entirely) who’s known best for his electric powers, attitude and killer theme song by Lil’ Romeo.

Wait… Did I just age myself? I’d better wrap this up before people start calling me polyester. After all, what could possibly be more genuine than an internet writer named “Splash Pannell”? Until next time!
 

It was recently suggested that if they wanted, Splash Pannell could have chosen to go by the name Splash Paige. Splash Pannell doesn’t recall soliciting Alex Jaffe’s opinion.

NOTE: The views and opinions expressed in this feature are solely those of Splash Pannell and do not necessarily reflect those of DC or Warner Bros. Discovery, nor should they be read as confirmation or denial of future DC plans.