Looking for the real dirt on your favorite costume-clad celebs? You’re in the right place, as the always informed Splash Pannell keeps us on top of the fights, flings and latest DCU gossip in this sensationally savage column.
 

The DC Dish is back, supers and citizens! This is your brand-new host, Splash Pannell, reporting in after four furious rounds at the King Omega tournament with all the other hopefuls to take over what is clearly the most prestigious gossip column in the universe after our beloved Rosie Knight ascended to the Godsphere. (See DC K.O. #5 for details… Way, way in the back, I promise. Check the backgrounds.) Sorry, Cat Grant. Maybe next Crisis. The cosmic dust-up with Darkseid is settling down, which means it’s finally time for you, dearest readers, to once again receive the hottest gos this side of the flame pits of Apokolips. Fly with me to the Next Level.
 

SUPERMAN’S SUPER-SABBATICAL

Okay, so as you’ve probably figured out from the fact that we’re all not dead right now, the good guys won the big space tournament to beat up Darkseid. Superman took first prize, which we all should have seen coming (and yet my bracket is in shambles). His winnings: an all expenses paid vacation to Overvoid Only Knows Where, to do Perpetua Only Knows What. Not to worry, though! He’s shared all his extra new shiny god powers with everybody else in the tourney, so we can all get prepped for the next round with Darkseid.

Yep, it seems like Old Blue thought of just about everything…except for who’s going to look after Metropolis while he’s gone. Oops.

But don’t ask his cousin, she’s busy cleaning up his old messes in Kandor. (See recent issues of Supergirl for the bottle-sized deets.) Superman’s son, also Superman, is taking the opportunity to clean up his branding with a new suit and a new name, “Tomorrow Man”—not to mention his new sidekick…Superboy? I mean, we all missed Superman’s kid being a kid, but we’re gonna need some more explanation here. (Best place to keep your eyes out for that is Superman Unlimited.)

But hey, no squadron of substitute Supers is complete without a fourth. And it looks like our Hank Henshaw this time around may just be…Superboy-Prime. Yes, that Superboy-Prime, who’s been the big bad of multiple Crises and comes from a universe where we’re all just fictional characters. Seems like he’s trying to make a go of turning the other cheek…and word has it that the single ladies of the Justice League can’t help but take a peek. (Don’t believe me? Check for yourself in Superman.)
 

GUESS THEY’LL LET ANYONE JOIN

So, you know how I was saying Superman went and shared his new god powers with the rest of the tournament bracket? By that, I really mean everyone. Aquaman’s calling himself an “Emperor” now, taking responsibility for every body of water in the multiverse. What, was 70% of the Earth not enough for you? (See how he’s handling it in Emperor Aquaman.)

Word on the Lantern beat is that Guy Gardner’s going all space popey, getting prophetic visions of the lost Lantern Entities at the edges of the universe, with all kinds of multicolored Lanterns joining his flock. (Get your personality tested with him in Green Lantern Corps.)

But most shocking of all is that all those Legion of Doom super-creeps who snuck into the King Omega tournament? Well, I’m not sure how to tell you this, but it looks like they’ve all gotten power-ups too…and Justice League membership cards. (Well, not all of them. They didn’t give one to Joker. Even Superman has limits, I guess.) That means as of right now, Lex Luthor is back in the League for the first time in a few reboots, and he’s joined by the likes of Starro, Giganta, Lobo, King Shark and Cheetah. (Jeeze, if Barbara M just waited like a month to rob the Watchtower, it would have gone a lot easier for her. We’ll see how this stay goes for her and the rest in Justice League Unlimited.)

Oh yeah—and Harley Quinn. Who we NEED to talk about. Right. Now.
 

HARLIVY, WE HARDLIVY KNEW YE

Say it ain’t so! Alas, loath as I am to be the bearer of such heinous news on my maiden Dish, but as of now, Gotham’s hottest supervillain it-couple is no more. The rumor on the political circuit is that Gotham’s new mayor Pam Isley dropped her beau like a sack of mallets, just so she wouldn’t sink her political aspirations. (But will she live up to the sacrifices she made to get there? You’ll have to follow the roots in Poison Ivy.)

And how’s Harley handling it? Oh, perfectly fine, really. She’s just started…dressing like a bat and beating up criminals. Look, if you’re not from Gotham, you wouldn’t get it. This is the healthy option for dealing with emotional problems. (Watch her doing just fine, no really, she’s FINE, this is NORMAL and GOOD, in Harley Quinn.)

What’s that? Not a deep enough dish for you? Well, I’d hate not to make this column worth your while. So just this once, make sure nobody else is reading over your shoulder, and I’ll let you in on a hot tip…
 

MAKE MONEY *FAST!*

Are you in Central City right now? Can you get there relatively easily? You’re gonna want to. Because—and you’re gonna have to take my word on this—they’re giving away free money. There’s some anonymous millionaire weirdo there who’s giving away $10,000 every 24 hours, and it’s the EASIEST THING IN THE WORLD to claim. All you have to do is put yourself in mortal peril, and film it.

What, scared about the “mortal peril” part? This is Central City baby! You’re guaranteed to get your peril-prone keister saved in the nick of time by the Flash, 100% of the time! Score the best life-saving footage of the day, and not only do you get to meet a superhero, you also don’t have to worry about rent for like…how much is rent in Central City? Really? That much? Woof. (And if my testimony isn’t enough for you, hear from the giveaway’s first winners in The Flash.)

Well, if that’s not enough, then I don’t know WHAT is. Jack Ryder who? This is Splash Pannell, signing off for the month. And when it comes to choosing your universe, keep that number dialed in to Zero.

We’ll, uh… We’ll work on the sign-off.
 

Splash Pannell is the multiverse’s most celebrated semifictional gossip columnist and raconteur. They have never been seen in the same room at the same time as regular DC.com contributor Alex Jaffe. We suspect it’s because they’re mad at each other.

NOTE: The views and opinions expressed in this feature are solely those of Alex Jaffe and do not necessarily reflect those of DC or Warner Bros. Discovery, nor should they be read as confirmation or denial of future DC plans.